Mother of a angel-a story of loss

My heart belongs to an angel and I'm not sure if I will ever get it back. Her name is KayLea Elaina Johnson. She is my daughter. I never got to hold her I never got to hear her cry, I never kissed her cheek, she never took even one little breath. Everyday is a struggle trying to get over the loss of my daughter. She was my everything for the longest time. On March 2nd I found out I was pregnant through kind of a round about way my friend thought she was pregnant and I took a test as kind of a support thing and found out I was pregnant I went to the doctor on my lunch break from work I was so nervous sitting in the waiting room I couldn't concentrate my mind was everywhere at once. The nurse called me in and I was physically shaking. While they were doing their tests I was in another place all together. Then they gave me the news I was in fact pregnant. I kept thinking how could this be I was so careful I was taking birth control they told me to schedule an appointment with a gyno. The father and I weren't together anymore he was leaving to go to California for a job on the 8th. How was I going to tell him? should I even tell him? I had an appointment the following day. Where they told me that I was 2 and a half months pregnant. I was so scared. I finally told him on the 5th he actually kind of guessed it. He came over to my house and just held me. He told me that he wished he didn't have to go but he had to and it was killing him. So on the 9th I kissed him goodbye and that was it I was on my own. My pregnancy was not the most pleasant. It seemed every smell had me running for the toilet. oh how I loathed being pregnant. I wasn't sure what I was going to do with her. Then a little while later I felt her move. It was just a flutter but that flutter was suddenly everything to me. That was the moment I fell in love with being pregnant. Every time I felt that flutter I would stop what I was doing hold my stomach and just smile. I decided I was going to keep my baby. I had already grown too attached and I was in a place that I was very stable. So I picked out 2 names Skyler Addison for a boy and Kayley Elaina for a girl. When I found out she was a girl I was so happy. But soon changed the spelling to KayLea after my mom. I hadn't heard from the father in 2 months and was heart broken. I got a hold of his mother and asked if she had a way of getting a hold of him she asked me if I knew where he was. I said California right? She said no he is in prison. That was a lot to take in and she asked if I wanted to go visit him when she went. So I did I visited him every week and I finally asked him for one thing I wanted KayLea to know her grandparents he agreed and told his mother I was pregnant with a girl. She was ecstatic and she was my rock during my pregnancy. She did everything for me. She would call and check on me daily. She was sick she had been for years one day she told me that she would live to see her grandchild born. She was to full blown kicking then sometimes it hurt but it was worth the pain I love feeling her move inside me. I can’t tell you how absolutely amazing it is to have this new life growing inside of you. Every movement a gift from God. A reminder of why I was doing all of this. KayLea was my own little miracle. She is what kept me going, and I felt truly blessed. On August 16th 2009 I found out my baby was stillborn. I was 33 weeks. They told me that it was better that I had her naturally and that they would wait a week, and if I hadn't delivered her by then that they would induce. I don't know how I even made it out of the hospital or how I dialed my phone but the next thing I knew I was in my sisters arms she was holding me tight while I cried hysterically into her shoulder right in the middle of the of the parking lot of the Utah Valley hospital. We some how managed to get into her van and she opened her arms and let me cry on her shoulder some more stroking my hair and telling me it was okay. But it wasn't okay I couldn't hardly breathe. I don't remember much of that week I don't remember talking, eating or showering. I would just sit in my room and cry for hours. My mom stayed with me for the first couple days. But she had to leave because my grief was just to much for her. She couldn't stand to be around me when I was hurting so much and there was nothing she could do about it. I can't explain how traumatising and disturbing it is to carry your dead baby inside of you on August 22nd 2009 I had had enough I went to the hospital and had them induce me it all seems like a blur I remember when i had delivered her they cleaned her up they asked me if I wanted to hold her I knew if I did I would never be able to let her go. I just looked upon her beautiful face I wished with everything inside of me that she would just breathe, but she didn't. I didn't have enough money for a funeral so the hospital said they would take care of her remains. How I regret that decision. September 8th her grandma died as well. She had kept her promise she had lived until my baby was born. I had become so close to her that this news sent me on another downward spiral. I was not capable of dealing with so much loss all at once. Somehow I survived it. I kept thinking of my baby girl today and every time I do it hits me like a ton of bricks. I lost my baby over 8 months ago but the pain is just as fresh as that very first day. I wonder what it would have been like. What she would look like. What color her eyes would be. Would I have been a good mother? Would she have slept through out the night or would she have been nocturnal like her mother. I can't help but wonder and ask these questions. She was a part of me for 7 1/2 months. When I heard her heartbeat I was overjoyed. When I felt her move for the first time I truly felt like this was why life was worthwhile. I never thought that she would leave me. I would sing to her and even though I sounded horrible that's when she would move the most. She would sleep when I was up and the minute I laid down to go to bed she would let herself be known. I had given up so much to be able to hold that precious baby in my arms I would have moved mountains, given up everything just to see her take her first breath. No one can ever know how much a mother loves her daughter. My journal entry on 08/22/2009 KayLea Elaina Johnson was born today but she did not take a breath and though I never got to hold her or see her take her first breath she will forever be in my heart she will forever be loved, and will never be forgotten. My dear sweet baby angel, may I get the chance to hold you when I reach heaven.

I just hope that Jesus is watching out for my baby. I love her so much.

Even though we never met,
I know your face by heart.

Even though we never spoke,
I can hear your voice.

Even though I never held you,
I feel your weight in my arms.

Even though we'll never lie beneath the same stars,
you will always shine above us

KayLea Elaina Johnson

08/22/2009

You never spoke but, I heard you

I never held you, but I felt you.
I never knew you, but I love you.

A poem I wrote for her

Baby Girl

Baby girl I need you

I cry for you every night

I just want you in my arms

So I can hold you tight

Baby girl I need you

Every night I pray

For god to give you back to me

Or to have let you stay

Baby girl I need you

I have wanted you for so long

My heart lies with you

and your hearts gentle song

Baby girl I need you

You were my everything

I dont want to know

what life with out you could bring

Baby girl I need you

But I will have to let you go for now

God give the strength

Cause I don't know how

So baby girl go be an angel

I have to put you to rest

You will always be in my heart

But sometimes god knows best